Lucky Stars in May
Blunt, true and unique to you.
You lose a bet and become embroiled in a real life game of “shag, marry, kill”. Your choices are regretful. Your spirit animal is the king prawn.
You find your soulmate this month. Luckily you’re a cat person, because your soulmate is a Bengal tiger. After a fortnight of awkward dating and painful love-making you decide to go your separate ways. Your lucky gemstone is petrified Marmite.
Prepare for trouble, and make it double – because you’re a motherf*cking Gemini and the only person over 13 still playing Pokémon go. The cosmos frowns up you. Your spirit emoji is the Face Screaming in Fear.
This month you’ve been an industrious little crab. Your Twitter account gets suspended, you lose your job and you develop an unhealthy addiction to eavesdropping on public transport. Your lucky gemstone is a cashew nut.
One of your all time favourite bits of trivia turns out to be a useless lie. Choose a number between 0 and 5 – this is either the amount of colleagues you’ll upset or the amount of weight you’ll gain (in stone) this month. Your spirit emoji is the 2nd Place Medal.
Another month of long nights spent scrolling through old friends’ holiday photos. Nice one. Your astral aura colour is hash brown.
In a case of mistaken identity you are urgently summoned to a Cobra meeting. London’s safety rests in your hopeless hands. Super serious. Your spirit emoji is the Face without mouth.
You become obsessed with getting a definitive answer on the ending to the film ‘Inception’. After months of trolling and harassment, Christopher Nolan imprisons you in a dream limbo to shut you up. Happy now? Your lucky gemstone is gravel.
You awake naked in the middle of an open field, quivering in a clingfilm cocoon. Your panic-stricken face is awash with dry blood. A mobile phone lies in the mud next to you. It rings. You gently prize an arm out through the plastic and answer it. It’s a member of our customer service team. You do exactly what they say. Your astral aura colour is mustard.
A prank backfires and you develop an unsavoury nickname at work – and you f*cking deserve it. The cosmos suggests that you drink more Capri-sun because it’s sort-of funny. Your spirit animal is the aphid.
You answer a personal ad to join a local covers band, only to discover that they’re actually a cannibalistic cult and they want to use your organs and skeleton as musical instruments. Your spirit animal is Zac Efron.