Lucky Stars in June

Unseen fictional forces affect your daily life. Nothing is your fault if you blame the stars. Here’s another short and bittersweet insight into your existence.


Aries - Airers


A recent photo of you looking proper miserable becomes the most popular meme of 2018. You need to smile more. Your spirit animal is the Red-lipped batfish.

Taurus - Tortoise


You decide to bet £50 on Saudi Arabia to win the World Cup. Odds are pretty tasty to be fair. Remember, when the fun stops – stop. Unless you’re winning loads of money but somehow not having any fun. Weirdo. The cosmos cannot be held responsible for your reckless financial decisions – you are what you are. Your spirit emoji is the pig snout.

Gemini - Jiminy


This month is all about confidence – or rather, your lack of it. You decide to moonlight as a life-drawing model, only to be booed out of the pub and forced to scuttle home naked. Your spirit animal is the proboscis monkey

Cancer - Cankle


You get a phone call out of the blue at 2am – ITV wants you to be a last-minute curveball contestant on Love Island. You drop everything and board the next plane to Majorca. When you land it becomes painfully clear that filming finished weeks ago and the villa has since been turned into a gang-run sweatshop. A man wearing a bikini and a balaclava approaches… Your spirit animal is the walrus.

Leo - Lilo


Just don’t get drunk this month. Please. Your spirit emoji is the gobin

Virgo - Fargo


You have one of those scarily realistic dreams where all of your teeth fall out. You wake in a cold sweat – your pillow is drenched in blood and scattered with your gnashers. You violently jerk awake and let out a wheeze of relief – it was just another one of those dreams within a dream. You drift back off to sleep until finally your phone alarm releases you from your deep slumber. You go about your morning rituals and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Your reflection reveals that you no longer have lips or nipples. It’s not a dream. You scream a banshee scream. Your spirit animal is the tenrec

Libra - Zebra


Sparks will fly between you and a co-worker this month, because you decide to kidnap them and slice them in half with a circular saw. You’re wild you are. Your spirit emoji is the clapper board.

Scorpio - Scorchio


You will be provoked by a sweaty commuter. Do NOT rise to it. She may look like she’s in her 80s but she’ll beat you to a bloody pulp. Your spirit animal is the geoduck.

Sagittarius - Badger Terrorist (yes it's weak, nothing good sounds like Sagittarius)


Take a look to your left. Tonight you will make love to this person. No one there? You’ll just have to improvise. Again. Your spirit emoji is the poultry leg.

Capricorn - Capri-Sun


You wake up every single morning with a burst of energy, a spring in your step and a glint in your eye – certain that it’s the weekend… only to plunge into a crippling sadness when you realise it’s not. On Saturdays and Sundays you’re too depressed to get out of bed. Your spirit emoji is the full moon with face. 

Aquarius - Asparagus


Your job’s a joke, you’re broke. Your love life’s D.O.A. It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear. You finally finish binge-watching Friends on Netflix and your sanity is all the better for it. Your spirit animal is the Dumbo Octopus.


Pisces - Pieces (of the Reese's variety)Pisces

Pisces, Pisces, Pisces. You need to stop living your life according to nonsense horoscopes. Let’s face it, you’re going to read this first, get a little pissed off that the cosmos left you hanging… then just go and indulge yourself in all the other horoscopes anyway. You’ll wonder why we decided to pick on your star sign. Is there some sort of a lesson in there? An abstract metaphor for your own life? Probably. You spirit emoji is the tennis ball.