We’re missing the 90s because everything was cool and really tiny
If there’s one thing the 90’s knew a lot about, it was creating tiny, cool things and somehow making them insanely popular. We’ve had enough of all the 90’s airtime being dominated by pics of Kate Moss and Johnny Depp looking f*cked and structural – what about the Furbies? And remember Treasure Trolls? Ahhh, the nostalgia.
Let’s take a look at the real (tiny) heroes of the 90s. Apart from Kenan and Kel, of course.
When the house plant could no longer satisfyingly question a teenager’s ability to care for a living thing, 90’s pop culture invented the Tamagotchie. The excitement of waiting for the egg to ‘hatch’, feeding it, cradling it in your palm, hanging it off your studded belt….Oh, the tender moments of watching your Tamagotchie grow up! Until you either got bored or killed it.
Why did we all love this mad owl/hamster abomination so much? It’s bleating ‘Furrrbyy’ had a generation of parents holding their ears, but there was something about its Furbish (native Furby language) babble that made it so endearing. AND, it brought artificial intelligence in a fluff-ball casing to the teeny-bopper masses. Remember how it learnt certain English phrases if you trained it enough? And how jealous you were if your mate’s was better trained than yours?
Now these are some really tiny little mischief-makers, approximately 4 inches tiny in fact. The cult filmic adaptation of Mary Norton’s novels featuring an absolutely mini family living in the walls of a house is surely the ultimate in on-screen diminutiveness.
Reactions to an actual mouse range from squealing and jumping on sofas to weeping. Apparently though, up the outfit game with a natty tweed blazer and digitally enhance their claws (paws?) into little pink, human-y hands, and they’re not only alright but a viable protagonist for a feature length film. Add in a feud with arch-nemesis, the cat, and you’ve got yourself a winner.
Peter Pan’s feisty side-kick may be pretty f*cking tiny but she’s got some lady (or fairy) balls. In fact, according to fairy folk lore, her tiny size meant she was unable to have more than one feeling at a time – meaning if she was angry, she was totally f*cking livid.
6.My little pony
With names like Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, a hit TV series and a soaringly successful line in merchandise, these loony little pony-things really hit the jackpot. In the TV series they’re normal sized (whatever normal is for a breed of talking, socialising, glittering mares), but the toys were pretty ickle. Perfect for children to trot Princess Celestia around their bedroom before massacring her mane with nail scissors.
7.Honey, I shrunk the kids
If your scientist dad shrunk you with his shrinking ray gun thing and literally binned you in the bin, you’d be pretty f**king hacked off. Apparently though, it’s a formula for the highest grossing live-action Disney film ever. Antics with bees, ants and all sorts of things that would be irritating for a normal sized person become pretty ruddy all-consuming for these lil’ ones.
He may look like the fella squatting n’ grunting in front of you in Fitness First, but we bet grunty-shorts can’t do this – the popularity of Stretch Armstrong relied on his ability to stretch from a measly 15 inches to 4 or 5 feet. Yes, 4 or 5 feet. That’s pretty much human sized. And any overzealous stretch-related tears could be repaired with a bandage. No wonder he looks like the 😬 emoji.
Na na na na na na, na na na na na na – the theme tune of a generation’s morning coco pops. These precocious babies had the potential to be very annoying (and probably were to a lot of people, i.e. parents), but somehow the underground activities of Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, Lil and Angelica were compelling to 5-10 (or older, whatever) years olds.
Rockstar tufts of impossibly fluffy hair, gormless expression, putty-like texture, collectable – the holy grail of success in the world of toys. No bedroom was complete without at least 3 of the multicoloured little critters, and their appeal proved so enduring that DreamWorks released a film about them in 2016. Dunno what it was like.