Lucky Stars in July

Lucky Stars in July

Unseen fictional forces affect your daily life. Nothing is your fault if you blame the stars. Here’s another short and bittersweet insight into your existence.

 

Go go gadget shrub!

Aries

If you’re reading this, you’re in a coma. We’ve tried everything to get through to you, this is our last resort. We don’t know how you’ll receive this message, it could appear in the place you’d least expect it. Please wake up. We miss you. 

Your product of the month is… a cuddly cat in a wrap!

Meaty

Taurus

You reach the end of a box of cereal to find a dark abyss at the bottom. Curious, you outstretch your hand into the endless black, only to find yourself fingering something incredibly gelatinous. What happens when the mysterious box jelly fingers you back? Find out later this month when Mercury goes round the twist or something.

Your product of the month is… a corkscrew shaped like a beetle!

Damn, Nigel be lookin right these days

Gemini

Ah, Gemini. The twins. The in-utero pals. The bosom buddies. The egg that was two eggs. The zyGOATs. Are you identical or not? We’ll never know, because we can’t see you. What do the stars hold for you this week? Matching outfits. Name-swapping hijinks. Underwhelming astrological advice.

Your product of the month is… collectible random pug cubes in a box!

We just want to do our weekly shop at 8pm on a Sunday, Peter!

Cancer

This month sees you embroiled in a dramatic campaign to extend Sunday trading hours. You nearly manage to get the law passed but it gets blocked at the last minute by Conservative MP Peter Bone. Sorry, Cancer.

Your product of the month is… a yoga mat for a reformed party animal!

That time Ernie got really into Oasis...

Leo

Welcome to Leo season, you majestic lion. It’s all about you at the moment (pfft, when is it ever NOT about you?!) so don’t be surprised to find that you have no friends because you’re vain and self-centered. On the upside, expect a mysterious cheque in the post from an old person… oh wait, it’s your birthday soon. That takes the mystery out of it. Cheers, nan!

Your product is… spicy, shimmery, majestic rum!

Owwww I sat on my nuts again

Virgo

You vir-go girl! Only kidding, it’s not Virgo season yet. Stay in your lane and be patient, you overly organised virgin.

Your product of the month is… fancy marshmallows shat out by unicorns!

One cool guy

Libra

This month, you’ll be comin’ out of your cage. And you’ll be doing just fine. Although you gotta gotta be down, because you want it all. Some advice to the amorous amongst you: what starts with a kiss, may end up like ‘this’. It was only a kiss! You have been warned.

Your product of the month is… a unicorn mug. Yay!

Andy Parsons, sex God

Scorpio

The realisation that most lip balm is a scam hits you square in the face – fear not, for you will soon discover that a brief swipe of cured meats is the ultimate chapstick, causing you to finally feel you have reached childhood’s end, after all these years in the dry, flakey darkness.

Your product of the month is… a crash course in the karma sutra in the form of a giant A3 poster!

Aphex Grin

Sagittarius

You’ve been living life in the slow lane for a while now, but things are about to change. Watch out for next week when a seemingly innocuous bag of salad will give you hallucinations powerful enough to rival that of a teenage gap-yah student on a double helping of Ayahuasca. Use this psychedelic experience to power through your outstanding laundry.

Your product of the month is… wine that fits through a letterbox and says whatever you want!

QUICK, DO THE SPELL!

Capricorn

Watch out for clowns. If you see one, you must perform a banishing spell immediately to ensure your safety. Drop whatever you’re doing at the time and proceed to the nearest gift retailer’s website and purchase something. The strength of the Clown Protection Rite triples if the item you purchase was recommended for you.

Speaking of which, your product of the month is… an overtly sexual party game!

Yoppa doppa doo

Aquarius

A busy month lies ahead for you, fair Aquarian. If a spider offers you the opportunity to mend her silken web, don’t turn it down. You never know, the debt of a spider could come in handy when you need it most. Or turn it down, we’re not responsible for your destiny.

Your product of the month is… a nerdy nostalgic alarm clock for the ’90s kid in you!

 

Banilla. That's a portmanteau of banana and gorilla. Pisces

You just can’t get the phrase ‘enter the grungeon’ out of your head. What is a grungeon? It doesn’t matter. The words stick like hot sloppy tar to the walls of your brain and no amount of distraction will wash them away.

Your product of the month is… an ashtray shaped like a snail. We don’t sell anything like that, so have THIS instead.